A very Challenging Relationship

It's a relationship, in which we play hide and seek.
I sometimes get tired of the game but, now I am actively and willingly and happily enjoying the chase.
But Chasing is very challenging...I want to reactivate the relation, and preserve it.. I am just happy having that person around...
I want to keep the relation...whatever the relation is defined as ...
Your features, are just the ones I love ...
Your cons are mine and I accept you the way you're...and, I am not able to see them as defects originally.
Your pros are the ones that I love to have in a person, and the ones that I can't live without.
For me you're just perfect ...the right person of all times and for all my life.

Wondering

While working and listening to "Mesh Faraa Maay" by fayrooz ... I wondered does it not really matter ?!!!

I know it's not true... and it does matter. But, I am just convincing myself with the opposite .. and I know I am not successful in that brainwashing task I am doing to myslef especially after that dream that I had today .. I dreamt with you, and I was very upset when I woke up and find that it was just a dream.

Level Could Not Be Detected !!!

There are some people in my life that confuses me soo much, and their level of intimacy cannot be detected easily, if it could ever be detected at all.

One day they are intimates, and the other day they are just a piece of ice infront of me, may be the ice melts, but in that status they're non breakable ice


I feel so reactive infront of this type of people, I just become so passive, and I hate that about myself, if they enter into their icy shell, I'll run into mine too, and if they're out in their friendly attitude, I happily open my heart to them.


I dun know whether they're aware of what they're doing, or they're behaving that way involuntary and I am just too fragile to bear that icy shell time. Also, I dun have the courage to try to get them out of their icy shell, may be that would be in vain, and I dun like to exert my emotions in vain.


What makes me bare that swing, is that I appreciate those people and they really have their role in my life that I can't deny. But how much could I bear... I dun know...


Another thing that's annoying me and that I never stop thinking about, is that I am not behaving normally, I am over thinking and putting my actions under a microscope with a very high magnification power, so as to create my fake icy shell that would shelter me apparently in the season they are inside their shells... and I HATE IT when I am not behaving with my normal flow, also, what if there was no synchronization in that icy time... may I be ruining anything without paying attention to what I am doing ?


No matter how much I try to behave simply as I am, I can rarely keep that state, while it's snowing outside, I quickly run into my fake icy shell.

UnFoRgEtTaBlE Whens

When we're interested in someone, we begin focusing on the very small details of our contact, the conversations, the minutes we're together even if we were silent. We begin recording those precious moments in our mind. and begin recalling them with their finest details and very accurately every now and then, just to retain those feelings of the real time we had together.

Even if what we recalled was not a happy memory, it's just precious enough because it connects us in a way with the people we care for.

The Others

The Others are playing a very Important Role in our life. The Others are the people whom we care for, we fear, hate, respect, follow or avoid. But we are directed by the OTHERS, they may get the worst out of us, may let us discover the real Human we are, and complete the missing puzzle of ourselves and in times put the pieces of that puzzle in good order, to make a better picture.



The point that's annoying me is when I lose control of a relationship, I approach when the OTHERS only want the relationship to go on, and withdraw myself from their lives when they just are not showing their interest. Although the true feelings are always there, but the bond at some times very loose, and at times too tight. I am just tired of the extremes.

It's just that we can't live without the "Others"

The only Non-Renewable Love

"... Love returned in the form of another man, new hopes, and new dreams"

Quoted from By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept

When I first read that Quoted line, it stuck in my mind, and I kept thinking of it, I felt it true in most of the cases, (where man means Human whether woman or a man, in all kinds of relationships)

But then I realized, there are such special relations and special ones that are neither replaceable, nor that kind of relationship is renewable, its only 1 of its kind through all of our life

And those that hurts the most, and those that we miss the most, just we'll keep their empty place in our hearts, through the rest of our lives, recalling the minutes we enjoyed together, and seeking all the strength from those special minutes in our lives, that are gone and are never back.

Rain

Recall your feelings before it Rains

Recall how doubtful and uncertain your steps were

and Finally, It rains... heavily

Your ears are hearing the drops falling very clearly

Your eyes are seeing those colourless dotted lines surrounding you

You were Too cautious not to fall while it's raining

Finally, the rain stopped.

Leaving the scene around u very clear

you can now see everything and clearly...

but where r those things that there were there before the rain ?

I kept looking around and looking for too long, not looking for them

I knew they went away, I felt so while it's raining

It's just I am looking and trying to live in the scene without it

Thank God that it rained .... But it rained so "HEAVILY"

Never the Same

I am missing it all, it's never the same, it became just a shallow of what it used to be there before.
I can't bear missing it anymore, I can't imagine the thought of going any further.

External dependancy

"External dependency is being dependant on an external object or a person in order to feel good or escape a bad mood."

I am afraid that I am an external dependent person, my happiness and mood is highly affected by a good deed someone does to me, or a bad deed that I am shocked with.

It's not the normal effect, but it's very deep. That's why sometimes I feel like sheltering into my own shell, not being isolated from the external environment, but just shutting down my feelings system and living.

"Colourless turtle", that was once the behaviour that I found similar to my attitude, the turtle is very self dependent, it has its own shell portable with it in everywhere available to it in every moment, the only difference is that I made this shell colourless or transparent, so that I keep on feeling with the surroundings and get out of my shell, when it's time to, and the people who worth leaving my shell are there; too close.

But, I should make my shell, a very good place, and learn how to be happy staying in it.

TrampoliNe

I really feel as if I am swinging on trampoline. But neither did I choose it nor I am happy with it.

whenever I get up high and my mood shifts up, I get down with all the strength. First, I was experienced with many shocks, due to these extreme feelings that I used to have, but these days, this is not happening because I am a moody changeble character, but it happens due to some surrounding circumstances that affects me hardly and deeply.

I am very tired, I stopped reacting to any event that's happening... I got bored ... or no it's not being bored... may be because whenever I am happy... I know that this is a temp state... and whenever I am sad this also is a temp... according to the Quote that says: "This also will pass".

I know that this is life... full of ups and downs... but the point is that... this happens with a very high frequency to the extent that I don't've the time to be comforted with my happiness or to experience my sadness...so what's happening now is that I am not affected.... or let me say it accurately... I am HARDLY affected (hard for being rare, and Hard On me As well)

Tired Tired Tired
I want to get out of this trampoline...can I ? would that happen and when ?

"3ayzna nerga3 zay Zaman...."

That's the song sang by Om Kalthoum...
I now feel it so much..
it's very true in the Human Relationships, it's easily affected by any change.
It happens when we meet someone that it's never the same, although the relationship is there... but if for example you meet with a less frequency... or anything... you still love and care for each others... but never as before... because simply the current circumstances differ than those that used to be before... very complicated are the Human Relationships... needs a very high maintenance... but who can afford it... it's precious feelings... but sometimes we just become careless and it's never the same

I don't want to seem pessimistic... because there are other relations that grow no matter what the circumstances are... but they are very rare or let me say that these are just exceptions.

What is it like ?

That's was the question that I was seeking its answer the past couple of days.

now I knew

I was telling myself that I will be happy with it anyways, at least I've it, although not in the way that suddenly popped out in my mind. Really I am not upset... as I felt that it's gonna be like this, but I hoped what I faked was true.

Let's try to live the reality, and stop dreaming...so as not to weap on an un-fulfilled dream, and enjoy the current state.

I appreciate that part of my life so much, I hope I can keep it forever and even work on making it deeper and more preciuos.

UnComplete Change in me

After the chain of shocks that I've been experiencing from some of the closest people to me the previous period.
And after I took my time to weep and cry and everything to understand what's happening. I felt a change in me, I felt it strongly yesterday... which I am afraid to say that I know it's a very serious change that I am not very happy with it, but I think that it will protect me from being involved in any emotional shock.
The good dead is inside me, and it comes to my mind but a sound inside me comes out and say, NO, Don't give anyone any more care or anything Good, as at the end these people hurt you badly. and after a struggle inside me between the initial good intension and the second that hinders it, I end up doing a moderate action that I am not totally satisfied with, and that is much more less than the feeling that was initially inside me but the fear of being hurted by people again drives me these days.
I am not happy with that, because, I used to do the initial deeds because I enjoy doing them and enjoy giving all the care and love, I want nothing in return, but what I discovered from the practical life is that NO, I DO NEED U TO CARE FOR ME BACK and in the same level.

I want the old me back, but I am afraid that it will be hurted again, I am too fragile inside, and am not able to bear anything unexpected from the unexpected people...
Confused So much... and am not happy with the change....

How would I end up be like, I don't know...
Also, I miss these people who caused me the hurt and pain a lot as I love them, and I couldn't love them less... but I am not able to initiate the communication with them again.. why don't they start,,, don't they miss me as I do...

6 Years

Miss U SOOOOOOOOO much...Loving u as always....

But missing is not that one that all people say to each other but it's a much much more deeper feeling that I can't express because u r not a part of my life but u are my whole life... the best that I had and never would have again...

I wish that once I showed u how ur true love is inside my heart and I even hope more and more that I proved to u that afterwards.

I miss even calling u and everything... I wish u know it so as to feel how u r someone that deserves nothing but all the care and the love and the respect and the best of all things.

I hope that I was able to provide u with anything useful to u and that could make u happier through the past 6 years
and I promise u ... as I stood with myself today and said that in every year in that day I should be asking myself what did I present to the DEAREST this year...

Really u are the dearest.... I loved no one as I love u ...
I hope that u know what I feel what I can't say and what I cant express

But really.... I can't bear.... el 7amdu lellah....
6 years without u is more than I can bear... and I should even bear for all the coming years of my life... hou would my feelings be like in the coming years? Never Easier....But the moments that I miss u in are increasing year after the other and so the wound in my heart will never heal but it will go deeper... but I HAD TO bear...

Exhausted....

I feel very exhausted...
Unfortunately, Not Physically... but ...
I am very tired, I need to cry, but there is no place to cry, I am at work now...
Even, when I am at home, I can't cry infront of my father, or else he will be very worried about that, and I don't want to be an extra load on him. God Saved him for us.

So, I am keeping on Pretending to be ok, in front of my team mates, my friends, family.

I need my right to cry, I need my time to sit with myself, I need my time to be in the no where and the no time.

I want to stop my mind from thinking, and painting the missing parts of the picture.

Sorry for letting U pass by "The Heaviest Experience.."

I am really Sorry, sorry for all what had happened, for the current situation, for the strange coincidence that happened to you. That because of me became strange, while it should have been very normal and may be a happy one.

I am afraid that I might be depriving you from something, that I myself see that you shouldn't have been deprived of.

I am very glad that I've someone caring and loving like you, may be another one in your position may have behaved differently. I am really sorry for you, and my conscious really hurts me because of you.

But, I as you know quite well, I have nothing in hand to do, even my words, you closed any opened door for me, so I became unable to talk in that subject with you clearly. Because you chose the way that carries the least amount of pain to me.

THANK U

THANK U

THANK U

just for being u.

Really words can't describe, my brain was shocked at the beginning, but by time I began to realize how you've sacrificed for me. I am happy because you cared for me that much but am very afraid of the thought of being the cause to deprive you from something, especially it's one of your rights.

I hope I'll be always there for you, as you are always there for me. And I hope to be one day the cause of bringing you and your kind heart all the joy and Happiness. I hope to have the chance to prove my love to you as you did, and what really affect me... is that I knew by chance... and I may've died without knowing what you have done.

Will be always there for u

Will be always caring

Will be always loving

Will be always Grateful.

This Never Happened Before

To me it's not just a song.
I am really watching myself and my reactions for about a month now, and I found myself experiencing some feelings that I've never experienced before.
I don't know whether it's a form of rejecting the current situation, or an abnormal fear of losing a precious relation, or even having it but not in the way it used to be
I know that what's happening is very normal, and may be it's happening everyday and to many people, or may be to me myself, and the relation was never weaker, on the contrary, may be with others it increased.
But I don't know why it feels so, this time.
The point is that is I am really HURTED because I am too sensitive in this relation, to the first time I feel how a "High Maintenance Person", acts like, and I don't want to let anyone be bored, I don't want to be an extra load instead of being an Understanding heart and a helping Hand, But Really I can't help it this time.
I know that I am over reacting But I can't help it :S
This relation really went very deep in a time that doesn't go with the deepness and the feelings that it touched, may be that what's made it unique.
I really feel very restless, and my feelings go Up and Down every now and then, and down means that I am hurted and not that my love curve is down or anything.
I wish I can convince my heart with the logical words that I have in mind.

I Love U ALL...

Today, was a very remarkable day, that I will never forget, as far as I know myself. It was my last day in the first company, and the first job. I've put a fullstop and ended the first sentence in my career.

But the most important to me, is the people, as I love them a lot, I was really indirectly forced to leave my dear friends, and the friendly, loving environmet that I was enjoying a lot.

Anyway, It's life "C 'est La Vie", But ISA, we will be always connected.

I was really happy today, as I saw all the team in my Farewell, that team that is used to be here and there, at the Customer's site, finishing some tasks. But we were all gathered today, especially HH who was on a vacation and it was broken, MH who is outsourced, but to my good luck, he came today, Also TA who had training outside, came after he finished. I was happy for seeing them all Around, Although I was missing my elder brothers but they are out of the country, so it wasn't in their hand at all to come :)

Now, I have a very strange confusing feeling. My mind still not figuring out, that it's really the last day and it's over. My mind keep on saying, did a year and 3 months passed like this? did I finish my 1 month notice that quick? still can't believe .... Shall I be joining the company I've been dreaming of after only 2 more days?

And then the idea that nothing in the world is perfect jumbs into my mind... I feel that it's very true.

I wish that we will be always connected, and our relation get deeper and deeper.

You will be always with me and inside my heart :))... Love U ALL

Oh Allah, please fulfill all my dreams

yesterday I was enjoying work very much, generally starting from this week I became very happy at work because my dear friend Sue, moved her PC and began sitting beside me:)))

Suddenly at the evening my mood changed with no single reason for it to change and I became very upset, and began thinking of many things that worries me and makes me sad, and then I said to myself remember all the gifts you have from God, remember all what you have, or just remember how he saved your father to you and made the operation passes peacefully.

I made so with my mind, but internally I was still uncomfortable, and then a friend of mine came to my mind and I called her as she's travelling in a vaction and I missed her tOoOoO much, just hearing her voice on the phone saying "AlOoOoO", my mood was really changed 180 degress and I began laughing and joking with her, and there was another surprise to me which was our other friend was there too in a vacation my mind faked me and I really fealt as If I was there with them as their third companion and I enjoyed it too much

Then I began ordering my wardrobe, and I was singing many things, then all of a sudden I began Praying, asking God all what I want and not just asking but speaking and speaking loudly I was not just speaking with my my head but with my voice too, I felt relieved afterwards.

On waking up today I found an SMS from my travelling brother saying that he'd seen our mother (God Rests her Soul) giving him many cadeaux to give them to me, I felt then that it's a sign that all my wishes will be fulfilled ISA and my Prayers were heard (Ostegebat ISA)

I Came work today, to find my friends are abscent, but we phoned each others, and I am generally in a good mood I hope it stays for a long while
I hope all my prayers come true

Till when...

Till when are my feelings still speak a language, that others fails to understand.
or speak words that others just don't want to hear:'(