Confidence

I hate those people who are dectatores, or doesn't think about other people, and only does what they belive is right and choose what they think is suitable, even if that choice isn't only theirs, there are other people invloved that they shouldn't ignore.

And I belive that being afraid to be one of those people affects my decision making sometimes. When I am in charge of something that has many people involved, it gets very hard to compromise between them, and to get up with a decision that satisfies all the involved parties.

The Problem with me is that I OVER RESPECT the others' point of view. I should only listen, but not every thought should be taken into consideration. I should filter, but filtering itself is a decision, as I may put aside the most valid point.

Really, it;s very confusing.

But What happens is that I became a "Thoughts Collector", I begin saying, X and Y see that we must go to the right because of such and such, But A and B say that the left direction is safer.

I am not that naive person that can't distinguish or judge, but there are some situations that are very confusing. and It doesn't affect me, but affect someone else.

I still feel that I can't ignore others opinions..... does that mean that I'll be hesitent all the time and forever ?

Taking My Time Machine 10 Years Backward

First thing that I want to say, is that I believed that 10 years ago, I was younger than that. But I found my self then in my Summer Vacation, finished "Third Preparatory", and moving to "First Secondary". Which implicitly meant to me at that time that I was then a grown up girl.

My simple dream then was having a nice summer vacation, staying at my Grandma as much as I can, with my cousin, playing chit chatting and staying awake till the early hours of the morning, putting the food for the birds on the balacony's "Soor", and staying still so that birds can approach.

Also my uncles weren't married yet, so they used to take us sometimes in the afternoons to the cinema, walking by"El-Korneesh", or any simple outing that cheered us then.

I remember one day in that summer vacation specefically, I was with my mother, she's buying some clothes to me, and then we returned and my brother was in his last year at college then, and it's time for his results, he said to us that he failed, and as my brother didn't like studying at all, but we beleived him, although for the sake of the truth ... he's never failed before. But then he told us that he succeeded and we were very happy then.

Back to the main aim of that post, which is ..."If someone asked me then, how would you imagine yourself in 10 years"... elly Hwa the time being now ya3ni :)

I will try to recall as much as I can. First Good thing is that I dreamt by that time to be graduated from the faculty that I was graduated in. and that's a good acheivement I belive. Regardless ba2a of that was a right choice or not.. but that's a dream that was fulfilled el 7amdu lellah.

I imagined that I would be working, but couldn't figure out any details to the job. Also, I beleived that AGAIN... I'll be a grown up girl... which appeared to me now as relative, as I dun have any specefic sense regarding my age, and to me then entering a college was a signal that I was a grown up girl.

Regarding my family, sure, they were there if I was painting a picture to me 10 years ago of the time I am in now. But, let me say that I never ever could have painted that picture with my dearest family member missing. Because simply I wasn't able to imagine my life aslan to paint a picture for it. bas el 7amdu lelalh. Also, some unexpected things happened to us, Both happy and unhappy ones.No one can "Paint the Future".

Now, after these 10 years, if I am going to take my time machine 10 years forward. I only will draw, the results of the actions that I am taking right now, nothing but that, no dreams that is based on no actions, because simply I can't control what I can have something to do with, so how can I put my assumptions about things that I have no control in, like destiny and fate.

bas as a human being :) I know I'll never be able to limit my dreams, and I'll always be hoping that God will fulfill them to me, and be confident that if God deprives me of any of those dreams, then it's for my sake, no doubt.

Bye Bye My Sweet Little Turtle

It's really very difficult, to feel irresponsible towards a creature, that's very helpless and totally depending on me.
Today (14/07/2008), one of the couple of turtles that have passed their first anniversary with me from a few days, has passed away.

It's a very hard feeling. My mind is over thinking, it's a very strange feeling. I accuse myself of being careless about the turtles, and not taking it seriously.

I know it's fate, and it would have day the same day, and minute it died in. But I just can't help blaming myself.
Plus, I can't figure out how's the other turtle is feeling now, living alone in the aquarium looking for its mate, and can't imagine what may had happened to it, and how that it's never returning back :((

God Forgives me for any wrong doing I may've done regarding the poor turtles. And helps me to take care of the remaining turtle, and the new companion I am intending to get ISA.