I dun know what to call it ?!

Stranger... may be ... Lonely may be as well... I am really not sure.

But I can feel it, and I can describe it accurately as I feel it, which is feeling as if I lost the mean of commuincation, between me and people... Yes it's that word "Disconnected"...

I may be sitting among them... but I feel myslef too far from them... I dun know the reason behind it... but as it appeared to be a recurring problem.. so I've a good reason for doubting myself... am I changed... or that is the old feeling that I was used to, and the change is that familiar feelings I had in between those days and the old ones...

I recalled something now, I've caught myself telling more than once a couple of days ago... that there is deep inside me a lot of feelings out of some problems I am currently having... but it's just me tryin not to get them to the surface... as I dun want to see them infront of me...I am trying to ignore them... but in that trial... it appears MAY BE (I am not sure).. that I've been disconnected from myself as well... upon my trial to disconnect from my problems... and that's the reason of me being disconnected as well from the others...

That fragile me ... returned back ... But it's not its time at all... how comes that I feel that fragile.. when I need all the strength...IS that because... I ACTED the role of the strong girl... at the begining of the problems...

I really dun know

All what I know is that I need to get rid of this collection of feelings

Meeting with my Old me

Today I went finally to an event, that I've awaited from a long time. Long is very relative her, as will appear from my story:
I've been bloging from more than 3 years now, I wasnt't that active blogger all the time... but I like that part of me so much.

And through blogging I got to know some other Blogs, from the Blogroll of my friends, and I got attraced to "Nerro's" Blog, till I find the Topic talking about the Birth of Our "BCATC"... I dun know if I can Say "Our" aslan walla la2a... bas I love it regardless of being an active member or not...AH :D ... I forget to say that "BCATC" stands for "Book Club Around the Corner"...A group keda for Book Lovers :D I am not sure I know all the activities or not, bas What I went through since joining is Selecting a Book of the Month and read it and then discuss it by some mean or another...

It was clear that most of the members know eachother, and I was the only one ta2reban that they dun know about, so I wanted to get friends with them... and was waiting for some gathering to meet them... as I didn't have that chance before to meet my net friends... in the real life... and was anxious to that experience awy...

And ... so in the first event that I was able to attenad "Story Telling: Alice in Wonderland", and this was a suggested book to read on the group, so I was very enthusiastic to attend the event by all means, for so many reasons. Especially, that I was in the mood of I need to devote some time, to an activity that would make me happy.

AND I WENT... although eny dayman bafakar w bas... el tanfeez 3andy.. mesh dayman by7sal... but it happened.. although I was waiting for some friend to come with me, but she didn't and I went with another friend... I was so worried ... the same worry whenever anyone comes with me to anywhere, because I feel they are my hosts, and I am responsible for making them happy, or either may consouis hurts me.

Anyways... I ARRIVED... and I was so nervous, I no nobody... how will it be like, I entered the Bookstore, began inspecting all the visitors, rather than the books, and especially those who weren't alone were more vulnerable to my suspecious that they are the BCATC members.
My Friend told me .. ask... about the event... and I said no.. I'll know it myself.. nut when sometime passed... I was afraid to be late ... so I went to the Officer of the BookStore and asked her, and she told me yea "It's there in the kids area"... and I thanked her and returned to my friend.
Then we went to the Kids area, and I stood speachless, untill they welcomed me and myfriend to the event and told us that they were going to start after a while... to give some space for late people...and then when we went back to go through the books... one of the Girls followed me.. and called me by name.. I was so happy for that Initiative from her...She's one of the members, whom I added her on FB as she's sending a Confirmation msg to the event ... and we've common friends...
Finally... the Event started... I liked it soo much, I liked the people so much also, I liked there success, I loved and apprciated the scentece in which they said "Welcome to the event number 292... as we've been working from six years"... I was like.. what Successful people and Persistent about what they want... this was another group related some how to owr club... But I didn't get to know about it before... I liked the cartoon, I liked so much the girls who acted, specially ALice.

But FOCUSING ON ME... I was waiting for one of my missions which made me go to this event, which is to know the people...
I was waiting to a time in which we may be introduced to each others whether in the begining or at the end... but this didn't happen... to let me know my real self..
I may admit... that I've returned many years backward... and I lost all my communication skills...I didn't try to get to know anyone...although I was wishing to do so... but I didin't :(
I just said GoodBye, to the girl who called me by my name and left...
And that's the old version of me is coming all over again...

But anyway... I liked the experience :)