Indifference

I think that I've finally reached that state of indifference that I was seeking from a long time. But have not been persistent on really reaching it.

I've thought about it a lot and took my decision based upon facts and deeds or misdeeds that have been happening during the past period.

I used to be wondering about the reason behind that weird behavior from some person's side and I kept telling myself... OK I dun want us to be as we once used to be ... But at least I need to understand the reason behind that change.
now I dun care... I am only concerned about the results and the weird behavior and that the change has happened already... and I need to deal with it and get over all the questions that were in mind

And from now on I will be the person in control. I dun mean that I'll control anyone, but at least I'll be controlling myself and will not allow anybody to control me and my mood.

I'll not be that reactive person I once used to be. I'll never be upsetted from any misdeed and I'll never expect something good from that person, if we were to know eachothers again in the first place. And if by mistake something good happened I'll never be happy with it.
I'll not let my mood be sitting on a swing that someone else is controlling all the time.

That person has been moved to the indifference zone, that zone that takes no place neither in my heart nor in my mind.
That zone that's only available as long as the circumstances put that person in my way, and will be cleared as long as that person is away.

Exactly like sitting beside someone in the bus, you may never talk , you may just say hello, and even if you talk with that person a friendly talk, you'll forget everything as soon as you reach your station or that person's leaves.

I am really happy of that state... thank god that I've reached it finally.

Turning the Page

It's the time, when I'm revising what I've written in this page, what I've done in this period of my life.
First, I would like to say that it's a very special page, a page that I was looking forward to reach to, and whether I enjoyed it or not, was it as I was expecting or not, that's not the issue.
I've got very special lines in this page, that are written in my heart and my mind, to me are very unique and very special, I would be always recalling that page and always keeping it opened infront of me.
I dun like all what's written in this page though, and that's why I had to turn it and open a new blank one.
I wonder what will be written in that blank page I'm looking forward to. First thing about this page, is that it's "New", "Blank", "Will not have my old special lines" other than that I dun know anything.

UnComplete Change in me

After the chain of shocks that I've been experiencing from some of the closest people to me the previous period.
And after I took my time to weep and cry and everything to understand what's happening. I felt a change in me, I felt it strongly yesterday... which I am afraid to say that I know it's a very serious change that I am not very happy with it, but I think that it will protect me from being involved in any emotional shock.
The good dead is inside me, and it comes to my mind but a sound inside me comes out and say, NO, Don't give anyone any more care or anything Good, as at the end these people hurt you badly. and after a struggle inside me between the initial good intension and the second that hinders it, I end up doing a moderate action that I am not totally satisfied with, and that is much more less than the feeling that was initially inside me but the fear of being hurted by people again drives me these days.
I am not happy with that, because, I used to do the initial deeds because I enjoy doing them and enjoy giving all the care and love, I want nothing in return, but what I discovered from the practical life is that NO, I DO NEED U TO CARE FOR ME BACK and in the same level.

I want the old me back, but I am afraid that it will be hurted again, I am too fragile inside, and am not able to bear anything unexpected from the unexpected people...
Confused So much... and am not happy with the change....

How would I end up be like, I don't know...
Also, I miss these people who caused me the hurt and pain a lot as I love them, and I couldn't love them less... but I am not able to initiate the communication with them again.. why don't they start,,, don't they miss me as I do...