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Wondering

While working and listening to "Mesh Faraa Maay" by fayrooz ... I wondered does it not really matter ?!!!

I know it's not true... and it does matter. But, I am just convincing myself with the opposite .. and I know I am not successful in that brainwashing task I am doing to myslef especially after that dream that I had today .. I dreamt with you, and I was very upset when I woke up and find that it was just a dream.

انـــا وليـــــــــــلى

ماتت بمحراب عينيك ابتهالاتي



واستسلمت لنداء الياس راياتي


جفت على بابك الموصود ازمنتي


ليلى وما اثمرت شيئاً نداءاتي






عامان مارف لى لحن على وتر


ولا استفاقت على نور سماواتي


اعتق الحب فى قلبي واعصره


فأرشف اللهم فى مغبر كاساتي






ممزق انا






لا جاه


ولا ترف


يغيرك فى فخليني لآهاتي


لو تعصرين سنين العمر اكملها


لسال منها نزيف من جراحاتي


لو كنت ذا ترف


ما كنت تاركة حبي


لكن عسر الحال ضعف الحال


فقر الحال مأساتي






عانيت عانيت


لاحزاني ابوح به


ولست تدرين شيئاً عن معاناتي






امشي واضحك ياليلي مكابرة


على اخبي عن الناس احتضاراتي


لا الناس تعرف ما امري فتعذرني


ولا سبيل لديهم فى مواساتي


يرسو بعينيك حرمان يمص دمي


ويستبيح اذا شاء ابتساماتي


معذورة انت ان اجهضت لى املي


لا الذنب ذنبك بل كانت حماقاتي


اضعت فى عرض الصحراء قافلتي


وجئت ابحث فى عينيك عن ذاتي


وجئت احضانك الخضراء منتشياً


كالطفل احمل احلامي البريئات


غرست كفك تجتثين اوردتي


وتسحقين بلا رفق مسراتي






واغربتاه


مضاع هاجرت مدني حسني


وما ابحرت منها شراعاتي






نفيت واستوطن الاغراب فى بلدي


ودمروا كل اشيائى الحبيبات


خانتك عيناك


فى زيف وفى كذب


ام غرك البهرج والخداع مولاتي






فراشة جئت القى كل اجنحتي


لديك فأحترقت ظلماً جناحاتي


اصيح والسيف مزروع بخاصرتي


والغدر حطم آمالي العريضات






وانت ايضاً الا تبت يداك


اذا اثرت قتلي واستعذبت اناتي


من لى بحذف اسمك الشفاف من لغتي


اذن ستسمى بلا ليلى حكاياتي

عيشها كدة زى ما هى

لو هعيط ... فانا هعيط اوى ... بس انا مش هعيط ... عشان حتى العياط مبأش بيريحنى ... و حتى الكتابة ... بقالى كتيير مكتبتش حاجة من جواية بجد لانى مش عايزة افكر... مش عايزة اشوف ولا عايزة احس ولا عايزة اعقل اللى حواليا... عشان متعبش اكترما انا اصلا تعبانة.

ابتلاء الله دائما يكون فيه رحمة ... دايما فى عز الازمة تجيلك رسالة من ربنا تقوللك انا واقف جنبك و معاك و قريب منك و حاسس بيك. حاجة بتديك قوة و تفاؤل فى عز المحنة.

انما النلس فما اقساها ما هقساها ما اقساها... بيوجعوك و انت عامل حسابك ان هما دول مصدر قوتك و ربما سبب فرحتك ... بيوجعوك و وجع قوى على قدر غلو مكانتهم عندك و تواضع مكانتك - ان وجدت - عندهم.

"هتعمل ايه لو قمت يوم و لاقيت اقرب ما ليك فى الدنيا مش حواليك " ... و هو مش حواليك بمحض ارادته و اختياره ...  عشان هو شايف ان وجودك فى حياته تماما كعدمه... و ربما عدمه اريح على اية حال

اللى هعمله ... هسكت و هتصدم و مش هستنى حاجة كويسة من حد ... و مش هصدق اى معاملة كويسة ولا هقول على حد طيب...

انا من فترة كنت بقول ان مفيش ناس جديدة هتدخل حياتى ... اللى دخل دخل و خلاص ... المشكلة دلوقتى فى القدام ... هيفضلوا تعبنى كدة لغاية يمتى ؟!!!

Silence is needed sometimes

Have you ever been told to look to yourself in the mirror, when you feel you don't and you know you'll not be pleased seeing the person that will appear in it?


That's exactly what's happening to me, I am forced to answer the simple question of ... "How things are going?" "Are things getting better?"... And the irony is that people are not convinced with a short answer like "el 7amdu lellah”... They need to listen to more than that... They need more details... Some are really worried and they are hoping for a relieving answer... and others are just curious or maybe they're imagining that they're pressing my talk button...


To all these people who care and who do not... Thanks for asking


And I am not rude when I am saying words like... "Please I dun want to talk "... or "just pray" ... or any silly answer of the like.


I dun want to talk about it, I dun want to realize it... I dun want to see it or hear it... isn't that my right?


I am escaping for a while from the worries and the terrible thoughts in my mind... is that too much?


I appreciate my friends who really understands me and appreciate my rights and just stand silent by my side... ready to listen just if I wanted to talk or if they felt it for they know me well ...

Yarab

My dear God .. I really need you .. I need your support .. I have faith in you, I trust in you .. I know you're close, merciful and is observing and do everything for a reason.

But, Please God .. mercy our human nature .. mercy our weakness.
I dun need to speak... you know it all ... you know what I am feeling and what I am hoping for.
I am afraid of being desperate .. please God dun let me be so.
I am sure of your coming blessings .. But I just want them now ... Please God..
I need to have a peace of mind.. I need to rest comfortable .. I dun want to be worried .. and I dun want to be confused or hesitated .. I am tired of fear, worry and all the things you know we have been passing through.
Please God take our hands and rescue us ...

My Dear Sister ... I Love U :))

On your very special day, I wanna tell you I love u. Not the classic clache I love you, but I really mean it in every way.

I love you as you are because you also accept me as I am...

I love being your sister ... I am blessed with such a kind hearted sister ... and I am thankful for that bless. Although we quarrel a lot :)) but even these things I love as well.

I really wish you all the good things, because when u're blessed and happy .. I feel the same as you and even more ... and when you're down .. I feel it worse and I am deadly worried about you.

May this year carry to U and accordingly to me all the peace of mind, Mercy from God ... Satisfaction, success and dreams turning into reality AMEEN (F)

P.S: I am writing this ... because I wanted to tell you that I care to show you my feelings in every way I have. And to tell you that you are loved. And to tell you that you're making a BIG and HUGE and Beautiful difference in our life. 

And why especially this year :)) because I am turning into a mature girl now ... that learnt to appreciate every feeling she has and learnt the importance of expressing it. And learnt that this is the least thing we can do to the people we love ... is to show them what do they really mean to US

Simple things

Simple things are what really matter ... and I just find my mood is very affected by these simple things all the time.
I am grateful for the simple thing of the day :) it made me happy :))

Nothing Specefic =)

Other than any Post, I've posted here. I am just writing now with nothing specfic in mind. I just felt that I missed my blog, I felt it has been too long since I've posted anything here .. although I have more than a draft... but just was not completed... and  their feelings are gone now.. so they'll not be completed .. at least at the time being.
Briefing on the previous period .. the last 4 months .. I've been passing through very hard and tough time as my dear father was seriously ill... but thanks god ... hopefully things are getting stable ISA.

I saw some of my friends today .. and that made a difference el 7amdu lellah .. I really missed them a lot and is still missing the others... but unfortunately =( some dun excuse me for not being able to go out and meet them.




Ramadan is approaching, it's less than a week and we'll be there iSA ... ALLAHOMA bale3'na Ramadan and Laylat el Kadr ISA. 
But I still can't feel the spirit of Ramadan... I hope I can be spiritually connected soon and deeply.
Waiting for salat el taraweee7 :))