Turning the Page

It's the time, when I'm revising what I've written in this page, what I've done in this period of my life.
First, I would like to say that it's a very special page, a page that I was looking forward to reach to, and whether I enjoyed it or not, was it as I was expecting or not, that's not the issue.
I've got very special lines in this page, that are written in my heart and my mind, to me are very unique and very special, I would be always recalling that page and always keeping it opened infront of me.
I dun like all what's written in this page though, and that's why I had to turn it and open a new blank one.
I wonder what will be written in that blank page I'm looking forward to. First thing about this page, is that it's "New", "Blank", "Will not have my old special lines" other than that I dun know anything.

I dun know what to call it ?!

Stranger... may be ... Lonely may be as well... I am really not sure.

But I can feel it, and I can describe it accurately as I feel it, which is feeling as if I lost the mean of commuincation, between me and people... Yes it's that word "Disconnected"...

I may be sitting among them... but I feel myslef too far from them... I dun know the reason behind it... but as it appeared to be a recurring problem.. so I've a good reason for doubting myself... am I changed... or that is the old feeling that I was used to, and the change is that familiar feelings I had in between those days and the old ones...

I recalled something now, I've caught myself telling more than once a couple of days ago... that there is deep inside me a lot of feelings out of some problems I am currently having... but it's just me tryin not to get them to the surface... as I dun want to see them infront of me...I am trying to ignore them... but in that trial... it appears MAY BE (I am not sure).. that I've been disconnected from myself as well... upon my trial to disconnect from my problems... and that's the reason of me being disconnected as well from the others...

That fragile me ... returned back ... But it's not its time at all... how comes that I feel that fragile.. when I need all the strength...IS that because... I ACTED the role of the strong girl... at the begining of the problems...

I really dun know

All what I know is that I need to get rid of this collection of feelings

Meeting with my Old me

Today I went finally to an event, that I've awaited from a long time. Long is very relative her, as will appear from my story:
I've been bloging from more than 3 years now, I wasnt't that active blogger all the time... but I like that part of me so much.

And through blogging I got to know some other Blogs, from the Blogroll of my friends, and I got attraced to "Nerro's" Blog, till I find the Topic talking about the Birth of Our "BCATC"... I dun know if I can Say "Our" aslan walla la2a... bas I love it regardless of being an active member or not...AH :D ... I forget to say that "BCATC" stands for "Book Club Around the Corner"...A group keda for Book Lovers :D I am not sure I know all the activities or not, bas What I went through since joining is Selecting a Book of the Month and read it and then discuss it by some mean or another...

It was clear that most of the members know eachother, and I was the only one ta2reban that they dun know about, so I wanted to get friends with them... and was waiting for some gathering to meet them... as I didn't have that chance before to meet my net friends... in the real life... and was anxious to that experience awy...

And ... so in the first event that I was able to attenad "Story Telling: Alice in Wonderland", and this was a suggested book to read on the group, so I was very enthusiastic to attend the event by all means, for so many reasons. Especially, that I was in the mood of I need to devote some time, to an activity that would make me happy.

AND I WENT... although eny dayman bafakar w bas... el tanfeez 3andy.. mesh dayman by7sal... but it happened.. although I was waiting for some friend to come with me, but she didn't and I went with another friend... I was so worried ... the same worry whenever anyone comes with me to anywhere, because I feel they are my hosts, and I am responsible for making them happy, or either may consouis hurts me.

Anyways... I ARRIVED... and I was so nervous, I no nobody... how will it be like, I entered the Bookstore, began inspecting all the visitors, rather than the books, and especially those who weren't alone were more vulnerable to my suspecious that they are the BCATC members.
My Friend told me .. ask... about the event... and I said no.. I'll know it myself.. nut when sometime passed... I was afraid to be late ... so I went to the Officer of the BookStore and asked her, and she told me yea "It's there in the kids area"... and I thanked her and returned to my friend.
Then we went to the Kids area, and I stood speachless, untill they welcomed me and myfriend to the event and told us that they were going to start after a while... to give some space for late people...and then when we went back to go through the books... one of the Girls followed me.. and called me by name.. I was so happy for that Initiative from her...She's one of the members, whom I added her on FB as she's sending a Confirmation msg to the event ... and we've common friends...
Finally... the Event started... I liked it soo much, I liked the people so much also, I liked there success, I loved and apprciated the scentece in which they said "Welcome to the event number 292... as we've been working from six years"... I was like.. what Successful people and Persistent about what they want... this was another group related some how to owr club... But I didn't get to know about it before... I liked the cartoon, I liked so much the girls who acted, specially ALice.

But FOCUSING ON ME... I was waiting for one of my missions which made me go to this event, which is to know the people...
I was waiting to a time in which we may be introduced to each others whether in the begining or at the end... but this didn't happen... to let me know my real self..
I may admit... that I've returned many years backward... and I lost all my communication skills...I didn't try to get to know anyone...although I was wishing to do so... but I didin't :(
I just said GoodBye, to the girl who called me by my name and left...
And that's the old version of me is coming all over again...

But anyway... I liked the experience :)

Life Time Player

Today was one of the days, that I wished I was able to stop the time, really time was running, and I had a lot of stuff to do.

And While I was listening to something in my head phones, I opened the player, to pause what I was listening to, and then I thought of the Bless we've in such players (Pause, Play, Fast Forward, Play Back, Stop, Continous Play, and now poped out to my mind, the "Randomize List", as it's one of my favorite options in any audio player )

I thought what if we've the same Buttons and facilities in our life.

"Pause"

======

- How many times, I've been in rush to do something, and I wished I could stop the time?

- How many times, I've been sitting with a close friend, or a person whom I love and miss a lot, but it's "Time" to leave after a while, and I wished to pause and keep the state of us being

together?

"Play"

====

I think that's what our life is all about, each of us is playing her/ his own unique melody in life, hopefully unique, and hopefully we play it well and enjoy it, How many song U've added to your playlist, and once it's that songs turn to play, u dun feel like hearing it, I think this may resemble our wrong choices and decisions in life, but is it that easy in real life, to just drop that song and everything's ok, or we've sometimes to listen to that song, and bear our own choices in life ?

"Fast Forward"

============

If I've that option in my real life, I'd for sure, have fast forwarded all my bad times, and suffering, and jumped to the point of my happiness after that suffering and pain. But would that happiness taste the same ? I dun know.

Also, if I've that option, I wouldn't wait for anything, as I like to know the results and the consequences of actions.

Play Back

=======

I would have played back every happy moment in my life, everytime I've spent with a dear person, whom I can't have in my life anymore. But would have that prevented me from spending my time in some other sort of happiness, which may bring me even more pleasure, than my oldies ? I dun know...

(I'll playback only, not repeat the real event, I'll just live in my 3D Awaken Dream, it;s not about taking the time machine to the future or to the past, because I may be carrying some wisdom from the future, and like this I may not live the old feeling when I used to be less wise and lacking some knowledge )

Randomize list

==========

would have been one of my favorites, to break the daily routine, I am the one who loves surprises sooooooooooooooooo much, and I hate routine to the hightest extent.

So I wish that a day I go to work at night, the other I go in the morning, anything, anything that would break the routine, and being a surprises lover, I like that option in Audio players, as although I've choosen the collection and prepared the playlist, but I like alternating between moods, and not knowing "what 's coming next", I know life do that job for us sometimes, and that's why w e never ever know what's next, it never fails to surprise us, but I just wish that they are good ones.

Confidence

I hate those people who are dectatores, or doesn't think about other people, and only does what they belive is right and choose what they think is suitable, even if that choice isn't only theirs, there are other people invloved that they shouldn't ignore.

And I belive that being afraid to be one of those people affects my decision making sometimes. When I am in charge of something that has many people involved, it gets very hard to compromise between them, and to get up with a decision that satisfies all the involved parties.

The Problem with me is that I OVER RESPECT the others' point of view. I should only listen, but not every thought should be taken into consideration. I should filter, but filtering itself is a decision, as I may put aside the most valid point.

Really, it;s very confusing.

But What happens is that I became a "Thoughts Collector", I begin saying, X and Y see that we must go to the right because of such and such, But A and B say that the left direction is safer.

I am not that naive person that can't distinguish or judge, but there are some situations that are very confusing. and It doesn't affect me, but affect someone else.

I still feel that I can't ignore others opinions..... does that mean that I'll be hesitent all the time and forever ?

Taking My Time Machine 10 Years Backward

First thing that I want to say, is that I believed that 10 years ago, I was younger than that. But I found my self then in my Summer Vacation, finished "Third Preparatory", and moving to "First Secondary". Which implicitly meant to me at that time that I was then a grown up girl.

My simple dream then was having a nice summer vacation, staying at my Grandma as much as I can, with my cousin, playing chit chatting and staying awake till the early hours of the morning, putting the food for the birds on the balacony's "Soor", and staying still so that birds can approach.

Also my uncles weren't married yet, so they used to take us sometimes in the afternoons to the cinema, walking by"El-Korneesh", or any simple outing that cheered us then.

I remember one day in that summer vacation specefically, I was with my mother, she's buying some clothes to me, and then we returned and my brother was in his last year at college then, and it's time for his results, he said to us that he failed, and as my brother didn't like studying at all, but we beleived him, although for the sake of the truth ... he's never failed before. But then he told us that he succeeded and we were very happy then.

Back to the main aim of that post, which is ..."If someone asked me then, how would you imagine yourself in 10 years"... elly Hwa the time being now ya3ni :)

I will try to recall as much as I can. First Good thing is that I dreamt by that time to be graduated from the faculty that I was graduated in. and that's a good acheivement I belive. Regardless ba2a of that was a right choice or not.. but that's a dream that was fulfilled el 7amdu lellah.

I imagined that I would be working, but couldn't figure out any details to the job. Also, I beleived that AGAIN... I'll be a grown up girl... which appeared to me now as relative, as I dun have any specefic sense regarding my age, and to me then entering a college was a signal that I was a grown up girl.

Regarding my family, sure, they were there if I was painting a picture to me 10 years ago of the time I am in now. But, let me say that I never ever could have painted that picture with my dearest family member missing. Because simply I wasn't able to imagine my life aslan to paint a picture for it. bas el 7amdu lelalh. Also, some unexpected things happened to us, Both happy and unhappy ones.No one can "Paint the Future".

Now, after these 10 years, if I am going to take my time machine 10 years forward. I only will draw, the results of the actions that I am taking right now, nothing but that, no dreams that is based on no actions, because simply I can't control what I can have something to do with, so how can I put my assumptions about things that I have no control in, like destiny and fate.

bas as a human being :) I know I'll never be able to limit my dreams, and I'll always be hoping that God will fulfill them to me, and be confident that if God deprives me of any of those dreams, then it's for my sake, no doubt.

Bye Bye My Sweet Little Turtle

It's really very difficult, to feel irresponsible towards a creature, that's very helpless and totally depending on me.
Today (14/07/2008), one of the couple of turtles that have passed their first anniversary with me from a few days, has passed away.

It's a very hard feeling. My mind is over thinking, it's a very strange feeling. I accuse myself of being careless about the turtles, and not taking it seriously.

I know it's fate, and it would have day the same day, and minute it died in. But I just can't help blaming myself.
Plus, I can't figure out how's the other turtle is feeling now, living alone in the aquarium looking for its mate, and can't imagine what may had happened to it, and how that it's never returning back :((

God Forgives me for any wrong doing I may've done regarding the poor turtles. And helps me to take care of the remaining turtle, and the new companion I am intending to get ISA.

Level Could Not Be Detected !!!

There are some people in my life that confuses me soo much, and their level of intimacy cannot be detected easily, if it could ever be detected at all.

One day they are intimates, and the other day they are just a piece of ice infront of me, may be the ice melts, but in that status they're non breakable ice


I feel so reactive infront of this type of people, I just become so passive, and I hate that about myself, if they enter into their icy shell, I'll run into mine too, and if they're out in their friendly attitude, I happily open my heart to them.


I dun know whether they're aware of what they're doing, or they're behaving that way involuntary and I am just too fragile to bear that icy shell time. Also, I dun have the courage to try to get them out of their icy shell, may be that would be in vain, and I dun like to exert my emotions in vain.


What makes me bare that swing, is that I appreciate those people and they really have their role in my life that I can't deny. But how much could I bear... I dun know...


Another thing that's annoying me and that I never stop thinking about, is that I am not behaving normally, I am over thinking and putting my actions under a microscope with a very high magnification power, so as to create my fake icy shell that would shelter me apparently in the season they are inside their shells... and I HATE IT when I am not behaving with my normal flow, also, what if there was no synchronization in that icy time... may I be ruining anything without paying attention to what I am doing ?


No matter how much I try to behave simply as I am, I can rarely keep that state, while it's snowing outside, I quickly run into my fake icy shell.

What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid?

That's a question that's I found very interesting, while reading "Who Moved My Cheese" .

I think that being afraid is a nature that we're "Humans" created with, and is a key reason behind us being cautious in our daily life behavior.

If I am afraid to lose special ones, I'll care for them, be very cautious not to upset them.

If I am afraid to fail, I'll work harder.

If I am afraid to go to hell, I'll be less evil

But this does not mean that being afraid of something is the only motive behind all of our acts and deeds

We may say that it's a complementary motive, for example, I need to feel successful, and I don't want want to lose that feeling, so I am afraid to lose that feeling that may make me happy.

But, of course this has nothing to do with the passive fear, that may hinder us from moving some steps forward in our lives, and that's what's called "Resist to change", people are afraid that may be the new opportunity will be less comfortable then the one they have in hands, and may have it's problems that they know nothing of.

May be at times, also, we're happy with the risk we took earlier, that was the cause of a better condition now, and we wished to took that risk earlier even.

So, the point is that we must accept that life will not be going smoothly all the time. I sometimes talk to myself, ok... if that didn't work no problem, I'm just trying and figuring out my way, I may find it after a long period of time, but of course, making some wrong decisions is what give us experience in life.

What I belive too is that if I weren't afraid at times in my life, I'd have done better. Also being afraid to lose something precious to me, makes me blind to see some facts, and unable just to imagine the idea of losing it, so that makes me too weak to accept the way things may progress.

UnFoRgEtTaBlE Whens

When we're interested in someone, we begin focusing on the very small details of our contact, the conversations, the minutes we're together even if we were silent. We begin recording those precious moments in our mind. and begin recalling them with their finest details and very accurately every now and then, just to retain those feelings of the real time we had together.

Even if what we recalled was not a happy memory, it's just precious enough because it connects us in a way with the people we care for.

Dream Control

I wish I had one; to control what makes me happy, and mute those dreams that unfilfilling them makes me feel that bad, especiallay when I've nothing to do with fulfilling them.

The Others

The Others are playing a very Important Role in our life. The Others are the people whom we care for, we fear, hate, respect, follow or avoid. But we are directed by the OTHERS, they may get the worst out of us, may let us discover the real Human we are, and complete the missing puzzle of ourselves and in times put the pieces of that puzzle in good order, to make a better picture.



The point that's annoying me is when I lose control of a relationship, I approach when the OTHERS only want the relationship to go on, and withdraw myself from their lives when they just are not showing their interest. Although the true feelings are always there, but the bond at some times very loose, and at times too tight. I am just tired of the extremes.

It's just that we can't live without the "Others"

The only Non-Renewable Love

"... Love returned in the form of another man, new hopes, and new dreams"

Quoted from By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept

When I first read that Quoted line, it stuck in my mind, and I kept thinking of it, I felt it true in most of the cases, (where man means Human whether woman or a man, in all kinds of relationships)

But then I realized, there are such special relations and special ones that are neither replaceable, nor that kind of relationship is renewable, its only 1 of its kind through all of our life

And those that hurts the most, and those that we miss the most, just we'll keep their empty place in our hearts, through the rest of our lives, recalling the minutes we enjoyed together, and seeking all the strength from those special minutes in our lives, that are gone and are never back.

All and "WhatEver"

Last Tuesday, I went to the yearly "Book Fair" with my friends, although some were not interested in reading but we were all very enthusistic about going to the fair... Just Going.
There, I was eager to search for all Kinds of Books in the Ares that I like to read about, and so was my friends that are also intersted in readings.... Different Tastes, Different Interests.... Variation in our enthusiasm...
I looked at the people there, and I was like "What all these minds that are there", I say so because people were looking for kinds of books that I never touched... or even thought about reading, I felt then how different is people intersts and thinking...
Then on that thought, and on buying a set of books, I felt like "I wanna do nothin now but read 'em all"... I also know that this enthusiasm will be down shortly, for me and most of the people that went to the fair, and that the "Enthusiasm for Reading", we currently have as if it's the "Culturual Season" is soon going to end.
Because, why don't we have this sense except in that period of the year, I believe it's because, all people are doing the same thing at the same time... that's the idea "Uniting and gathering around whatever ".
This what happened last year in the African Nations Cup, the people whether were soccer lovers or not all gathered and all had the same spirit.
And many other Examples are just over there everywhere

Uni- WHATEVER

Today, I went to the yearly "Book Fair" with my friends, although some were not interested in reading but we were all very enthusistic about going to the fair... Just Going.

There, I was eager to search for all Kinds of Books in the Ares that I like to read about, and so was my friends that are also intersted in readings.... Different Tastes, Different Interests.... Variation in our enthusiasm...

I looked at the people there, and I was like "What all these minds that are there", I say so because people were looking for kinds of books that I never touched... or even thought about reading, I felt then how different is people intersts and thinking...

Then on that thought, and on buying a set of books, I felt like "I wanna do nothin now but read 'em all"... I also know that this enthusiasm will be down shortly, for me and most of the people that went to the fair, and that the "Enthusiasm for Reading", we currently have as if it's the "Culturual Season" is soon going to end.

Because, why don't we have this sense except in that period of the year, I believe it's because, all people are doing the same thing at the same time... that's the idea "Uniting and gathering around whatever ".

This what happened last year in the African Nations Cup, the people whether were soccer lovers or not all gathered to

Rain

Recall your feelings before it Rains

Recall how doubtful and uncertain your steps were

and Finally, It rains... heavily

Your ears are hearing the drops falling very clearly

Your eyes are seeing those colourless dotted lines surrounding you

You were Too cautious not to fall while it's raining

Finally, the rain stopped.

Leaving the scene around u very clear

you can now see everything and clearly...

but where r those things that there were there before the rain ?

I kept looking around and looking for too long, not looking for them

I knew they went away, I felt so while it's raining

It's just I am looking and trying to live in the scene without it

Thank God that it rained .... But it rained so "HEAVILY"

Never the Same

I am missing it all, it's never the same, it became just a shallow of what it used to be there before.
I can't bear missing it anymore, I can't imagine the thought of going any further.