Feeling Happy

I don't know whether I am really feeling happy or decided to be happy :)
Anyways, today wasn't a bad day at all... although I am still in the first half of the day but my mood is very Good thank God...
Plus, I've decided to make a deal with myself to help myself feel happy.
I decided magnifying the Good things around me and the blesses that I've and the Good deeds that people do to me.
and Ignore with all I've and put behind my back anything that would let me feel down...

Hope I can do what I've decided to make and to feel happy doing it isa :)

UnComplete Change in me

After the chain of shocks that I've been experiencing from some of the closest people to me the previous period.
And after I took my time to weep and cry and everything to understand what's happening. I felt a change in me, I felt it strongly yesterday... which I am afraid to say that I know it's a very serious change that I am not very happy with it, but I think that it will protect me from being involved in any emotional shock.
The good dead is inside me, and it comes to my mind but a sound inside me comes out and say, NO, Don't give anyone any more care or anything Good, as at the end these people hurt you badly. and after a struggle inside me between the initial good intension and the second that hinders it, I end up doing a moderate action that I am not totally satisfied with, and that is much more less than the feeling that was initially inside me but the fear of being hurted by people again drives me these days.
I am not happy with that, because, I used to do the initial deeds because I enjoy doing them and enjoy giving all the care and love, I want nothing in return, but what I discovered from the practical life is that NO, I DO NEED U TO CARE FOR ME BACK and in the same level.

I want the old me back, but I am afraid that it will be hurted again, I am too fragile inside, and am not able to bear anything unexpected from the unexpected people...
Confused So much... and am not happy with the change....

How would I end up be like, I don't know...
Also, I miss these people who caused me the hurt and pain a lot as I love them, and I couldn't love them less... but I am not able to initiate the communication with them again.. why don't they start,,, don't they miss me as I do...

6 Years

Miss U SOOOOOOOOO much...Loving u as always....

But missing is not that one that all people say to each other but it's a much much more deeper feeling that I can't express because u r not a part of my life but u are my whole life... the best that I had and never would have again...

I wish that once I showed u how ur true love is inside my heart and I even hope more and more that I proved to u that afterwards.

I miss even calling u and everything... I wish u know it so as to feel how u r someone that deserves nothing but all the care and the love and the respect and the best of all things.

I hope that I was able to provide u with anything useful to u and that could make u happier through the past 6 years
and I promise u ... as I stood with myself today and said that in every year in that day I should be asking myself what did I present to the DEAREST this year...

Really u are the dearest.... I loved no one as I love u ...
I hope that u know what I feel what I can't say and what I cant express

But really.... I can't bear.... el 7amdu lellah....
6 years without u is more than I can bear... and I should even bear for all the coming years of my life... hou would my feelings be like in the coming years? Never Easier....But the moments that I miss u in are increasing year after the other and so the wound in my heart will never heal but it will go deeper... but I HAD TO bear...