Un Decided Yet

I wonder why I always postpone blogging, inspite of having that traffic of thoughts in my mind, passing continously. And I end up only blogging in the mood that I am currently in now.

What is the reason of having that mood swings, really I wonder, when I see my day and the sequence of events "Just" before me being down, I find them normal, and all of a sudden I feel that feeling of being bored, demotivated, depressed, an indescribable mood.

I am not the kind of people who put their problems in front of them and keep watching all the time, on the contrary, I am always raising the slogan of "Positive Annoyance", if I am upset because I need to manage my time in a way, then I just begin working on that point instead of just being sad that I am not a good time manager.

But it seems that for long term problems that needs time in order to be solved, they keep just playing in the background, yes we may have got used to them being in our life for a while and concentrated on improvement and solving the problem, but the feeling of them being there is always there it's just keep on diving for a while and then all of a sudden appears on the surface again and in unexpected time, and may be also with some simple things that may help them get out.... That's why may be I suddenly sometimes feel down... I dun know

Also there has been some issue that I've been thinking about which is the ...

I am tired of thinking...

Youm warra Youm

And that's me youm warra youm... the same me ... I wonder when was the last time I achieved something that I wanted...when was the last time I insisted on something and finally proudly got it.

I got used to adapt myself to whatever conditions

Fieha eih --- Why not --- What If --- I wonder

نفسى الناس تبأة طيبة بلا حدود و بلا نهاية

نفسى أقول دا فولان أو فلانة ديه طيبيين من غير ما أقول "بس..." فى نهاية الجملة

نفسى الناس تبأة واضحة و لو بتعمل حاجة تبأة بتعملها من قلبها مش عشان اى سبب تانى

نفسى الناس تفهمنى زى ما انا

و كمان نفسى افهم الناس صح

و اصدق ان ممكن يبأة فى ناس مش طيبيين

احلم

احلم يا شباب مصر...
احلم .. ولا نسيت ازاي بيكون الحلم
الحلم أصبح رفهية..و إنت مش بتاع رفهية
معندكش خلاص وقت تحلم.. منتش فاضي .. بتعافر فالحياة
بتعافر عشان تعيش... عيشة البني آدم ..
أي بني آدم.. بسيط كان أو أقل من البسيط
المهم إنه  بني آدم.. قادر يعيش..
قادر لو عيي يتعالج.. و قادر يتعلم عشان يفهم
و قادر يشتغل عشان يقتات

بس تحلم ليه... هو إنت إيه حلمت بيه و اتحقق..
بلد ناسية انك بني آدم... بلد ناسية انك انسان...
بلد نسياك أصلاً..

حقولك تحلم.. و تصحى تتخض من الواقع..
تحلم .. و تصحى على كابوس عايش

بس أرجع و أقولك .. ما إنت لازم تحلم..
جايز الحلم يتحقق..
أكيد هتفكر في طريقة ..تخلى الحلم يتحقق

احلم... اهو عيش لك لحظة في خيالك..
جايز تقدر تنسيك احوالك

ليه

ليه ساعات بنحب ناس من غير سبب... من غير ما نشوف منهم...لا حلو و لا وحش...و العكس صحيح.. ناس بتلاقى فى بينك و بينهم...صور الصين العظيم؟؟

ساعات الاحساس بيتبدل...و بعد الحب بتباة عداوة...او العكس

 

History is still not a History

I was shocked when I found that the last time I talked loudly in my dear blog... was nearly 2 years ago.

This proves that I can't complete my life without it.. because it's the only thing available to me all the time and will understand me like I am ...

Ok... Let me talk now about why do I feel like writing to my blog.

I discovered yesterday... that I have not been cured from the relation that has been terminated from 6 years.. yes 6 years.. I was shocked as well... Time flies and our life is consumed too quickly.

Let me confess that I still have feelings towards that person, I opened our chat logs yesterday, and like I opened Pandora's box ... I waked up the feelings and the thoughts... I am resisting myself and asking myself to to initiate any communication again, let me stop hurting myself with my own hands... I dun know whether I'll succeed in that or now... but I am sure my dignity will help me .. because I value it so much.

What if analysis is non stopping in my mind from yesterday... and I see all the roads are closed ...

So why I am thinking about it and revived it again ... I dun know .. and I am afraid of it..

I know I was quietly rejected before and I can't take any further risks with my heart and my pride...

But I miss the relation .. I miss the person .. I know this separation was going to happen one day ..but I always prayed it may not happen .. I was ok with having the person in my life.. regardless of the relation type... but I couldn't have that either....

Get out of my mind and soul peacefully please... enough what I had experienced... I know you think you are out already... but this is not the truth... I can't deny you made your part.... but I still didn't do mine...I wish I have the power to do it.

A very Challenging Relationship

It's a relationship, in which we play hide and seek.
I sometimes get tired of the game but, now I am actively and willingly and happily enjoying the chase.
But Chasing is very challenging...I want to reactivate the relation, and preserve it.. I am just happy having that person around...
I want to keep the relation...whatever the relation is defined as ...
Your features, are just the ones I love ...
Your cons are mine and I accept you the way you're...and, I am not able to see them as defects originally.
Your pros are the ones that I love to have in a person, and the ones that I can't live without.
For me you're just perfect ...the right person of all times and for all my life.

Life

Dear Life,
If I said that I understood you, then I haven't known you well. I am just taking notes of you, dun know whether taking those notes does have any meaning or no, as you're very creative and renewing yourself always.
Note number One: Nothing lasts, and no one either
Note number two: Wanting something and working for it, does not guarantee having

The Sky and the Clouds

What a peaceful scene it is ... the baby blue sky with the cotton like clouds decorating the scene ..such a wonderful and relaxing scene.
You just look at the sky and see how beautiful it is .. whenever the sky is that clear and beautiful .. usually the air is fresh and refreshing .. just a deep breath with that fresh air will make you more and more relaxed. This relaxing mode, usually bring with it nice thoughts just like the beautiful scene above in the sky ... either your memory begin moving quietly like the clouds getting nice memories from the past that connects you with your beloved ones or great hopes that carries you to the promising future .. promising as the sun with all the warmness and light.

I Dreamt of you :))

Yes, it was a very nice dream, I wished it was true, and I wished I kept dreaming and didn't have to wake up to go work.
I dreamt you were buying a house near our's and that you brought me very nice cadeaux, the ones that I like the simple ones that I just can be perfectly happy with.
The cadeaux included chocolate, it was toblerone IN DISGUISE :D .. shaklaha kan 3ageeb shewaya...
And also, the ones that I like the most was a box full of colored wooden, butterflies, and the circluar flowers that I like with the colors that I love baby blue and pinkish.. I was flying from the idea of you getting me something, from the surprise of seeing you, and from the BEAUTIFUL things that were inside the box :)

Make a Wish =)

Today, I received an e-mail from "Causes", at the end of it was a "Make a Wish" button, to create a Cause for something that I would love to help.

Regardless of the reason behind the mail, and regardless of that it's just an automated mail that is sent to me and to many other people... I dun know why I was so touched by these words that were written on the button "Make a Wish"...this magical sentence had its effect on me, and it peneterated my mind, my soul and my heart and let me think, think and think ...
I guess that it's a very nice feeling that all you have to do is just to wish, dun worry about the HOW the possible and the impossible, just wish, feeling deep inside that the wish has its opportunity to come true.

What about hearing the word "Make a Wish" .. is that you feel that somebody's taking care of your wish, and is helping you in accomplishing what you want and is "SHARING" you your wishes. What makes this sentence has that effect is that you feel that someone willingly offered to take the job of making it come true. may be this is because Human is capable of helping others than helping oneself, hence that's why it has that's magical effect on us as it carries an implicit hope or a guarantee for fulfillment and coming true.
Or, may be we are just comforted with sharing our dreams.

NonSense

Ana ta3bana w zah2ana w mesh 3arfa ana 3ayza walla 3arfa ana momken a3mel eih 3ashan atbeset 7assa en ana 3andy 7alet rekoood, fel fekr wel maghood wel 7amas.
Helpless may be.... want things to turn to the better alone without me helping in anything..mesh 3ashan 7aga bas mesh adra 7assa eny me7taga a3mel hibernate l 7ayaty
w lamma agy a2oom ba2a ISA ab2a a3mel repair
ay kalam mesh hay7sal w ahy ta7'areeef w 7'allas .. bas 7assa eny 3ayza a2ool ay kelmeteen gayez l robama astaraya7 aw 3al a2al 3ayza abtedy ada3bed gowaya gayez awsal l ay 7aga

Really Sorry

I dun know what to say, but first of all, I am really deeply sorry for all the victim's of yesterday's explosion and all their families.

I am speechless, because SORRY IS NOT ENOUGH, by my nature, I would have approached my friends who are between Sad, Angry, Frustrated, or just Giving Up that anything could get any better. I would have tried to highlight anything good, and help them to hope for the better.

But, this time I just can't do this...because, I am just feelin the same .. or at least I just believe that I am feeling so


The issue is not small, and it's recurrent.

I can't imagine, people are in the church, worshiping God in their own way, and during the time of the feast. And then a BLACK.BLIND.BOMB just ruins the expected awaited happiness in the feast time of a little child, that may have lost a mother or a father or both in that explosion.

I am seeing that girl when she grows up... in everytime she misses her parents or one of them .. this missing is going to be turned to hatred to the other .. which we can't blame her for.

Really, the families of these victims, need coaching to be able to live normally with the others.
And also the environment needs to be reformed in many ways. So, that all of us can feel safe.. and YES i see that the security wasn't enough, but ALSO i believe that their shouldn't be guards aslan for the Worshiping Houses, it should be the most safe and secured place, without any external security...The value of these places should be known to all and should be respected.

I am sorry FOR the innocent people and their families, but not sorry on behalf of those criminals, because I dun know who they are.. but all what I am sure of is that I am totally unrelated to them.. so it's a shame to talk with their name aslan.

I am sorry, sad, wanna close my eyes and open it and see us learning from this horrible experience....TOGETHER facing those extremists and/OR strangers who for sure are full of hatred and all negative feelings to this country and all its people.

ColorQuiz.com - The free five minute personality test!

ColorQuiz.com - The free five minute personality test!

Wondering

While working and listening to "Mesh Faraa Maay" by fayrooz ... I wondered does it not really matter ?!!!

I know it's not true... and it does matter. But, I am just convincing myself with the opposite .. and I know I am not successful in that brainwashing task I am doing to myslef especially after that dream that I had today .. I dreamt with you, and I was very upset when I woke up and find that it was just a dream.

انـــا وليـــــــــــلى

ماتت بمحراب عينيك ابتهالاتي



واستسلمت لنداء الياس راياتي


جفت على بابك الموصود ازمنتي


ليلى وما اثمرت شيئاً نداءاتي






عامان مارف لى لحن على وتر


ولا استفاقت على نور سماواتي


اعتق الحب فى قلبي واعصره


فأرشف اللهم فى مغبر كاساتي






ممزق انا






لا جاه


ولا ترف


يغيرك فى فخليني لآهاتي


لو تعصرين سنين العمر اكملها


لسال منها نزيف من جراحاتي


لو كنت ذا ترف


ما كنت تاركة حبي


لكن عسر الحال ضعف الحال


فقر الحال مأساتي






عانيت عانيت


لاحزاني ابوح به


ولست تدرين شيئاً عن معاناتي






امشي واضحك ياليلي مكابرة


على اخبي عن الناس احتضاراتي


لا الناس تعرف ما امري فتعذرني


ولا سبيل لديهم فى مواساتي


يرسو بعينيك حرمان يمص دمي


ويستبيح اذا شاء ابتساماتي


معذورة انت ان اجهضت لى املي


لا الذنب ذنبك بل كانت حماقاتي


اضعت فى عرض الصحراء قافلتي


وجئت ابحث فى عينيك عن ذاتي


وجئت احضانك الخضراء منتشياً


كالطفل احمل احلامي البريئات


غرست كفك تجتثين اوردتي


وتسحقين بلا رفق مسراتي






واغربتاه


مضاع هاجرت مدني حسني


وما ابحرت منها شراعاتي






نفيت واستوطن الاغراب فى بلدي


ودمروا كل اشيائى الحبيبات


خانتك عيناك


فى زيف وفى كذب


ام غرك البهرج والخداع مولاتي






فراشة جئت القى كل اجنحتي


لديك فأحترقت ظلماً جناحاتي


اصيح والسيف مزروع بخاصرتي


والغدر حطم آمالي العريضات






وانت ايضاً الا تبت يداك


اذا اثرت قتلي واستعذبت اناتي


من لى بحذف اسمك الشفاف من لغتي


اذن ستسمى بلا ليلى حكاياتي

عيشها كدة زى ما هى

لو هعيط ... فانا هعيط اوى ... بس انا مش هعيط ... عشان حتى العياط مبأش بيريحنى ... و حتى الكتابة ... بقالى كتيير مكتبتش حاجة من جواية بجد لانى مش عايزة افكر... مش عايزة اشوف ولا عايزة احس ولا عايزة اعقل اللى حواليا... عشان متعبش اكترما انا اصلا تعبانة.

ابتلاء الله دائما يكون فيه رحمة ... دايما فى عز الازمة تجيلك رسالة من ربنا تقوللك انا واقف جنبك و معاك و قريب منك و حاسس بيك. حاجة بتديك قوة و تفاؤل فى عز المحنة.

انما النلس فما اقساها ما هقساها ما اقساها... بيوجعوك و انت عامل حسابك ان هما دول مصدر قوتك و ربما سبب فرحتك ... بيوجعوك و وجع قوى على قدر غلو مكانتهم عندك و تواضع مكانتك - ان وجدت - عندهم.

"هتعمل ايه لو قمت يوم و لاقيت اقرب ما ليك فى الدنيا مش حواليك " ... و هو مش حواليك بمحض ارادته و اختياره ...  عشان هو شايف ان وجودك فى حياته تماما كعدمه... و ربما عدمه اريح على اية حال

اللى هعمله ... هسكت و هتصدم و مش هستنى حاجة كويسة من حد ... و مش هصدق اى معاملة كويسة ولا هقول على حد طيب...

انا من فترة كنت بقول ان مفيش ناس جديدة هتدخل حياتى ... اللى دخل دخل و خلاص ... المشكلة دلوقتى فى القدام ... هيفضلوا تعبنى كدة لغاية يمتى ؟!!!

Silence is needed sometimes

Have you ever been told to look to yourself in the mirror, when you feel you don't and you know you'll not be pleased seeing the person that will appear in it?


That's exactly what's happening to me, I am forced to answer the simple question of ... "How things are going?" "Are things getting better?"... And the irony is that people are not convinced with a short answer like "el 7amdu lellah”... They need to listen to more than that... They need more details... Some are really worried and they are hoping for a relieving answer... and others are just curious or maybe they're imagining that they're pressing my talk button...


To all these people who care and who do not... Thanks for asking


And I am not rude when I am saying words like... "Please I dun want to talk "... or "just pray" ... or any silly answer of the like.


I dun want to talk about it, I dun want to realize it... I dun want to see it or hear it... isn't that my right?


I am escaping for a while from the worries and the terrible thoughts in my mind... is that too much?


I appreciate my friends who really understands me and appreciate my rights and just stand silent by my side... ready to listen just if I wanted to talk or if they felt it for they know me well ...

Yarab

My dear God .. I really need you .. I need your support .. I have faith in you, I trust in you .. I know you're close, merciful and is observing and do everything for a reason.

But, Please God .. mercy our human nature .. mercy our weakness.
I dun need to speak... you know it all ... you know what I am feeling and what I am hoping for.
I am afraid of being desperate .. please God dun let me be so.
I am sure of your coming blessings .. But I just want them now ... Please God..
I need to have a peace of mind.. I need to rest comfortable .. I dun want to be worried .. and I dun want to be confused or hesitated .. I am tired of fear, worry and all the things you know we have been passing through.
Please God take our hands and rescue us ...

My Dear Sister ... I Love U :))

On your very special day, I wanna tell you I love u. Not the classic clache I love you, but I really mean it in every way.

I love you as you are because you also accept me as I am...

I love being your sister ... I am blessed with such a kind hearted sister ... and I am thankful for that bless. Although we quarrel a lot :)) but even these things I love as well.

I really wish you all the good things, because when u're blessed and happy .. I feel the same as you and even more ... and when you're down .. I feel it worse and I am deadly worried about you.

May this year carry to U and accordingly to me all the peace of mind, Mercy from God ... Satisfaction, success and dreams turning into reality AMEEN (F)

P.S: I am writing this ... because I wanted to tell you that I care to show you my feelings in every way I have. And to tell you that you are loved. And to tell you that you're making a BIG and HUGE and Beautiful difference in our life. 

And why especially this year :)) because I am turning into a mature girl now ... that learnt to appreciate every feeling she has and learnt the importance of expressing it. And learnt that this is the least thing we can do to the people we love ... is to show them what do they really mean to US