TrampoliNe

I really feel as if I am swinging on trampoline. But neither did I choose it nor I am happy with it.

whenever I get up high and my mood shifts up, I get down with all the strength. First, I was experienced with many shocks, due to these extreme feelings that I used to have, but these days, this is not happening because I am a moody changeble character, but it happens due to some surrounding circumstances that affects me hardly and deeply.

I am very tired, I stopped reacting to any event that's happening... I got bored ... or no it's not being bored... may be because whenever I am happy... I know that this is a temp state... and whenever I am sad this also is a temp... according to the Quote that says: "This also will pass".

I know that this is life... full of ups and downs... but the point is that... this happens with a very high frequency to the extent that I don't've the time to be comforted with my happiness or to experience my sadness...so what's happening now is that I am not affected.... or let me say it accurately... I am HARDLY affected (hard for being rare, and Hard On me As well)

Tired Tired Tired
I want to get out of this trampoline...can I ? would that happen and when ?

"3ayzna nerga3 zay Zaman...."

That's the song sang by Om Kalthoum...
I now feel it so much..
it's very true in the Human Relationships, it's easily affected by any change.
It happens when we meet someone that it's never the same, although the relationship is there... but if for example you meet with a less frequency... or anything... you still love and care for each others... but never as before... because simply the current circumstances differ than those that used to be before... very complicated are the Human Relationships... needs a very high maintenance... but who can afford it... it's precious feelings... but sometimes we just become careless and it's never the same

I don't want to seem pessimistic... because there are other relations that grow no matter what the circumstances are... but they are very rare or let me say that these are just exceptions.

Weird ME

Why do I act like this ?
Why do I deeply want to do something and involuntary act the opposite way?
Why do I reject the act I am doing at the time of doing it... but stop still, and make nothing of what I think should be done instead ?
Why do I complicate it while it's just very easy?
Why do I think a lot ?
Why do I make it hard on myself?

Everytime I say I'll change... take it easy... just be YOU... but why at these moments I just feel a mask is sticked on my face by force... I try hardly to take it off... but I just fail to.

And when it passes, I then begin thinking and thinking and thinking... how could I make over for this... but I guess it's never the same, at least for me because I keep on judging myself for the action that SHOULD have been done... but I wasn't able to... and this dilemma never reaches to an end... plus.. making over is MADE while the original one would have been natural and nicer... :S

very weird... I know all that... but just can't help myself

What is it like ?

That's was the question that I was seeking its answer the past couple of days.

now I knew

I was telling myself that I will be happy with it anyways, at least I've it, although not in the way that suddenly popped out in my mind. Really I am not upset... as I felt that it's gonna be like this, but I hoped what I faked was true.

Let's try to live the reality, and stop dreaming...so as not to weap on an un-fulfilled dream, and enjoy the current state.

I appreciate that part of my life so much, I hope I can keep it forever and even work on making it deeper and more preciuos.

Feeling Happy

I don't know whether I am really feeling happy or decided to be happy :)
Anyways, today wasn't a bad day at all... although I am still in the first half of the day but my mood is very Good thank God...
Plus, I've decided to make a deal with myself to help myself feel happy.
I decided magnifying the Good things around me and the blesses that I've and the Good deeds that people do to me.
and Ignore with all I've and put behind my back anything that would let me feel down...

Hope I can do what I've decided to make and to feel happy doing it isa :)

UnComplete Change in me

After the chain of shocks that I've been experiencing from some of the closest people to me the previous period.
And after I took my time to weep and cry and everything to understand what's happening. I felt a change in me, I felt it strongly yesterday... which I am afraid to say that I know it's a very serious change that I am not very happy with it, but I think that it will protect me from being involved in any emotional shock.
The good dead is inside me, and it comes to my mind but a sound inside me comes out and say, NO, Don't give anyone any more care or anything Good, as at the end these people hurt you badly. and after a struggle inside me between the initial good intension and the second that hinders it, I end up doing a moderate action that I am not totally satisfied with, and that is much more less than the feeling that was initially inside me but the fear of being hurted by people again drives me these days.
I am not happy with that, because, I used to do the initial deeds because I enjoy doing them and enjoy giving all the care and love, I want nothing in return, but what I discovered from the practical life is that NO, I DO NEED U TO CARE FOR ME BACK and in the same level.

I want the old me back, but I am afraid that it will be hurted again, I am too fragile inside, and am not able to bear anything unexpected from the unexpected people...
Confused So much... and am not happy with the change....

How would I end up be like, I don't know...
Also, I miss these people who caused me the hurt and pain a lot as I love them, and I couldn't love them less... but I am not able to initiate the communication with them again.. why don't they start,,, don't they miss me as I do...

6 Years

Miss U SOOOOOOOOO much...Loving u as always....

But missing is not that one that all people say to each other but it's a much much more deeper feeling that I can't express because u r not a part of my life but u are my whole life... the best that I had and never would have again...

I wish that once I showed u how ur true love is inside my heart and I even hope more and more that I proved to u that afterwards.

I miss even calling u and everything... I wish u know it so as to feel how u r someone that deserves nothing but all the care and the love and the respect and the best of all things.

I hope that I was able to provide u with anything useful to u and that could make u happier through the past 6 years
and I promise u ... as I stood with myself today and said that in every year in that day I should be asking myself what did I present to the DEAREST this year...

Really u are the dearest.... I loved no one as I love u ...
I hope that u know what I feel what I can't say and what I cant express

But really.... I can't bear.... el 7amdu lellah....
6 years without u is more than I can bear... and I should even bear for all the coming years of my life... hou would my feelings be like in the coming years? Never Easier....But the moments that I miss u in are increasing year after the other and so the wound in my heart will never heal but it will go deeper... but I HAD TO bear...

Human Beings RelationShips

"A relationship is a sum of mutual steps to minimize the distance between two people"

This Qoute stopped me, as I found it to be very true...

but, that's the Happy path.

The Problem is that, may be at sometimes, a partie stands still, all what (s)he does is to smile and wave for the other partie, and tells her/ him how happy is (s)he for seeing that other partie coming near.

May be at other times, we have an active partner, that keeps on walking non-stop and the other partie sometimes come closer, sometimes stand still and may be even going away, increasing the distance, and thus the distance will even grow, regardless how the first partie is approaching with all what they have.

it's normal that at some point of time one of the parties, may not be able to approach, and in this case, the other partie SHOULD make up for her/ his partner's stop to keep the relation healthy. but that should be the exception and not the default case of a healthy relationship.

Start Over

The last couple of days, I've been passing by a collection of strange feelings and experiences.
I felt that my inside was exposed to an earthquake.
And after thinking, thinking and thinking. For a successive complete 4 days with their days and nights.
I feel that I've learnt a lot and a lot, and I think the lessons of these experiences are unforgettable, because I woke up to look behind and find another things, that I've been doing, they are not mistakes, but they were not the best actions that could have been taken.
So, this time I am summaring what I wished I could have done other than what I already did. It's not that I am regreting what I've done or what I didn't do, but it's just clarifying to myself what I need to have in order to become what I wanna be, with myself and with the others.

There are some people around me whom I see as flags for telling me what's is right or what is wrong. I know that there is nothing absolutely right and another absolutely wrong. But in other words, I SEE THEM AS RIGHT or there deeds just convinces me and this just what matters. And So I may be taking them as models, None of these characters is exactly what I wanna be and SO, I just want to be like X in such and like Y in Such.

But I am afraid of losing my real self, I want to be MYSELF and not anyone else, I want to put my touch even in the things I like in others I need to DO IT MY WAY.

I neither want to stop still and keep on hating some of the things about myself, nor I want to enter the dilemma of taking X as a Model and losing my real me.

ANYWAYS.

I am just happy, because of the strong will I am having now in order to achieve what I want, Second because I put my priorities. Hope to fulfill what I want. Hope to reach the ME that I wanna be.

I Really want to Start Over

Exhausted....

I feel very exhausted...
Unfortunately, Not Physically... but ...
I am very tired, I need to cry, but there is no place to cry, I am at work now...
Even, when I am at home, I can't cry infront of my father, or else he will be very worried about that, and I don't want to be an extra load on him. God Saved him for us.

So, I am keeping on Pretending to be ok, in front of my team mates, my friends, family.

I need my right to cry, I need my time to sit with myself, I need my time to be in the no where and the no time.

I want to stop my mind from thinking, and painting the missing parts of the picture.

Sorry for letting U pass by "The Heaviest Experience.."

I am really Sorry, sorry for all what had happened, for the current situation, for the strange coincidence that happened to you. That because of me became strange, while it should have been very normal and may be a happy one.

I am afraid that I might be depriving you from something, that I myself see that you shouldn't have been deprived of.

I am very glad that I've someone caring and loving like you, may be another one in your position may have behaved differently. I am really sorry for you, and my conscious really hurts me because of you.

But, I as you know quite well, I have nothing in hand to do, even my words, you closed any opened door for me, so I became unable to talk in that subject with you clearly. Because you chose the way that carries the least amount of pain to me.

THANK U

THANK U

THANK U

just for being u.

Really words can't describe, my brain was shocked at the beginning, but by time I began to realize how you've sacrificed for me. I am happy because you cared for me that much but am very afraid of the thought of being the cause to deprive you from something, especially it's one of your rights.

I hope I'll be always there for you, as you are always there for me. And I hope to be one day the cause of bringing you and your kind heart all the joy and Happiness. I hope to have the chance to prove my love to you as you did, and what really affect me... is that I knew by chance... and I may've died without knowing what you have done.

Will be always there for u

Will be always caring

Will be always loving

Will be always Grateful.

How Gemini Are You?

You are 67% Gemini

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