Start Over

The last couple of days, I've been passing by a collection of strange feelings and experiences.
I felt that my inside was exposed to an earthquake.
And after thinking, thinking and thinking. For a successive complete 4 days with their days and nights.
I feel that I've learnt a lot and a lot, and I think the lessons of these experiences are unforgettable, because I woke up to look behind and find another things, that I've been doing, they are not mistakes, but they were not the best actions that could have been taken.
So, this time I am summaring what I wished I could have done other than what I already did. It's not that I am regreting what I've done or what I didn't do, but it's just clarifying to myself what I need to have in order to become what I wanna be, with myself and with the others.

There are some people around me whom I see as flags for telling me what's is right or what is wrong. I know that there is nothing absolutely right and another absolutely wrong. But in other words, I SEE THEM AS RIGHT or there deeds just convinces me and this just what matters. And So I may be taking them as models, None of these characters is exactly what I wanna be and SO, I just want to be like X in such and like Y in Such.

But I am afraid of losing my real self, I want to be MYSELF and not anyone else, I want to put my touch even in the things I like in others I need to DO IT MY WAY.

I neither want to stop still and keep on hating some of the things about myself, nor I want to enter the dilemma of taking X as a Model and losing my real me.

ANYWAYS.

I am just happy, because of the strong will I am having now in order to achieve what I want, Second because I put my priorities. Hope to fulfill what I want. Hope to reach the ME that I wanna be.

I Really want to Start Over

Exhausted....

I feel very exhausted...
Unfortunately, Not Physically... but ...
I am very tired, I need to cry, but there is no place to cry, I am at work now...
Even, when I am at home, I can't cry infront of my father, or else he will be very worried about that, and I don't want to be an extra load on him. God Saved him for us.

So, I am keeping on Pretending to be ok, in front of my team mates, my friends, family.

I need my right to cry, I need my time to sit with myself, I need my time to be in the no where and the no time.

I want to stop my mind from thinking, and painting the missing parts of the picture.

Sorry for letting U pass by "The Heaviest Experience.."

I am really Sorry, sorry for all what had happened, for the current situation, for the strange coincidence that happened to you. That because of me became strange, while it should have been very normal and may be a happy one.

I am afraid that I might be depriving you from something, that I myself see that you shouldn't have been deprived of.

I am very glad that I've someone caring and loving like you, may be another one in your position may have behaved differently. I am really sorry for you, and my conscious really hurts me because of you.

But, I as you know quite well, I have nothing in hand to do, even my words, you closed any opened door for me, so I became unable to talk in that subject with you clearly. Because you chose the way that carries the least amount of pain to me.

THANK U

THANK U

THANK U

just for being u.

Really words can't describe, my brain was shocked at the beginning, but by time I began to realize how you've sacrificed for me. I am happy because you cared for me that much but am very afraid of the thought of being the cause to deprive you from something, especially it's one of your rights.

I hope I'll be always there for you, as you are always there for me. And I hope to be one day the cause of bringing you and your kind heart all the joy and Happiness. I hope to have the chance to prove my love to you as you did, and what really affect me... is that I knew by chance... and I may've died without knowing what you have done.

Will be always there for u

Will be always caring

Will be always loving

Will be always Grateful.

How Gemini Are You?

You are 67% Gemini

How Gemini Are You?

This Never Happened Before

To me it's not just a song.
I am really watching myself and my reactions for about a month now, and I found myself experiencing some feelings that I've never experienced before.
I don't know whether it's a form of rejecting the current situation, or an abnormal fear of losing a precious relation, or even having it but not in the way it used to be
I know that what's happening is very normal, and may be it's happening everyday and to many people, or may be to me myself, and the relation was never weaker, on the contrary, may be with others it increased.
But I don't know why it feels so, this time.
The point is that is I am really HURTED because I am too sensitive in this relation, to the first time I feel how a "High Maintenance Person", acts like, and I don't want to let anyone be bored, I don't want to be an extra load instead of being an Understanding heart and a helping Hand, But Really I can't help it this time.
I know that I am over reacting But I can't help it :S
This relation really went very deep in a time that doesn't go with the deepness and the feelings that it touched, may be that what's made it unique.
I really feel very restless, and my feelings go Up and Down every now and then, and down means that I am hurted and not that my love curve is down or anything.
I wish I can convince my heart with the logical words that I have in mind.

And That Was The First Day there...

Today, was my first day in the new company.
It's Good thank God. But ...
Also, when comparing the first day here, and in my ex-company, I mean comparing myself, I think a year and a couple of months had really added to me.
Hope that the next day would even be better.

I Love U ALL...

Today, was a very remarkable day, that I will never forget, as far as I know myself. It was my last day in the first company, and the first job. I've put a fullstop and ended the first sentence in my career.

But the most important to me, is the people, as I love them a lot, I was really indirectly forced to leave my dear friends, and the friendly, loving environmet that I was enjoying a lot.

Anyway, It's life "C 'est La Vie", But ISA, we will be always connected.

I was really happy today, as I saw all the team in my Farewell, that team that is used to be here and there, at the Customer's site, finishing some tasks. But we were all gathered today, especially HH who was on a vacation and it was broken, MH who is outsourced, but to my good luck, he came today, Also TA who had training outside, came after he finished. I was happy for seeing them all Around, Although I was missing my elder brothers but they are out of the country, so it wasn't in their hand at all to come :)

Now, I have a very strange confusing feeling. My mind still not figuring out, that it's really the last day and it's over. My mind keep on saying, did a year and 3 months passed like this? did I finish my 1 month notice that quick? still can't believe .... Shall I be joining the company I've been dreaming of after only 2 more days?

And then the idea that nothing in the world is perfect jumbs into my mind... I feel that it's very true.

I wish that we will be always connected, and our relation get deeper and deeper.

You will be always with me and inside my heart :))... Love U ALL

سئمت

سئمت لا أقول سئمت الحياة و لكنى سئمت حياتى
لا لن أقول بغضت الحياة و لكنى بغضت حياتى

آلعيب فى أم فى من حولى؟ و لكنى سأجزم أن العيب ليس فى وحدى
الدمع يقف حائرا فى مقلتى لائما كل من حولى جميعا
نعم فلم يعد لى حميما وما معنى الحياة إذا سرت وحيدة
--------
أنظر إلى سماؤك يا ربى و أرى الغيوم كأنها دموعا
دموعا تهطل أمطارا و سيولا بكاءا على من تراهم السماء حيارى
و أسمع صوت هواؤك يبكى من أجل كل نفس محترق من الحزن و الأسى
و استشعر الجبال قد أقسمت على أن لا تنبت زهرا لكى لا يذبل حزنا
قد خشى الجبل على الزهور و استهان الناس بالقلوب
قلوب تدمى حزنا و أسى
حزنا علي ماض قد انقضى
و أسى على حاضر يتبدد هباءا
كفى يا سماء عن البكاء و كفى غيوما فبغير نورك
لا نستطيع الحياة
و اسمحى يا جبال بأن تعيش فوق ظهرك الزهور
عسى أن تبقى زهرة تسعد قلب من قلوب الحزانى
و يا هواء صبرا فإن النفوس غدا سوف تبرد
و تلطف نسيمك برضاها
فإن الحياة زهور و أحزان
لقاءا و وداع
حبا و شقاءا
فرحا و الماّ
عجيبة هى الحياة و رغم ذلك نحياها

Feelings...Feelings and Feelings Again :'(

Yesterday, was a day that I've been dreaming with, since I have been in college. The day that I go to that company and pass through the interviews successfully.

The couple of days before yesterday, I've made a lot of prayers and asked people to pray that I would be accepted and join that comapny, and what made me very sticky is that I was very upset from my current job.

Anyways, Yesterday I went to the company and went through the recruitement process, there were a lot of people there waiting to be interviewed, I was a little worried when I saw this large number, but had a faith in God that He would help me, and to my astonishment, I found myself passing from an interview to the other and when entering each I was feeling that this would be the last and I won't pass to the next till I found myself in the last one Hearing "Congrats", and took the offer.

I was veryyyyyyyy happy then, but in my way back home, I passed by my current company an remembered that these few coming days would be the End of my days in that comapny, which although I was really upset from and suffering from its management but I LOVE IT, yes I do :S, then my feelings began to go to the other extreme and became very sad for the thought of leaving the company, the people and everything there that I love deeply :'( , really deeply.

Then arriving home, I called my friend sue and told here that I've been accepted there, she was GREATLYYY affected by these news, and she ended the call immediately excusing me and telling me that she's not able to talk anymore. Then I called my friend DODO, in hope that she would be in a better status and would react in a way that may lift my mood up. But, her reaction wasn't better than that of Sue by any mean, and she kept saying, "is it sure?" and also ended the call immediately.

After these 2 phone calls that mode that began when I passed by the compay's premises became more and more stronger, but I was shy from God to be sad and cry instead of thanking him for his help and support to me, I felt a very strange feeling that I didn't experience before, I felt as if my heart was divided into 2 zones, one that is happy for what God have given me and the other is very sad for my departure.

I was in a very strange bad mood, I called a friend of us that was with us in the company but left from about 5 or 6 months and told her everything, on hearingher voice in the phone I burst into tears, at the beginig she thought that I was rejected in the interview, but when she heard the complete story from me she tried her best to calm me down, and she succeded partially, but still I wasn't ok, I sent a msg to Sue, and DODO just saying "Sorry", I couldn't tell more than that, then I recieved a call from DODO, she was partially fine at the beginig of the call, then we ended the call each of us crying.

And today at work also, it was a day full of ups and downs in our moods, but generally, it was better than I was expecting thank God.

I am really, going to miss my friends, colleagues, team, Really I am going to miss them all...I can't imagine not saluting them in the early morning and the chit chats, that we used to have through the day, praying with each others, taking the break, sitting in the balacon together, making the Nescafe, and also walking to the main street from the company every day.... I will miss that all, I will miss them deeply, I will miss even those that we are not close friends, as I am used to the combination of people, I will miss the combination, listening to that voice and hearing that laugh, seeing those intimates walking or laughing together, all that all that will be missed a lot.
I love u ALL, I am gonna miss u ALL. :'(

I still have a lot inside, but it's just that I can't complete now......

A way out............

I want a way out of that place, although I like it a lot and like the people and everything, but I feel that there are somethings and some people who are insisting on making the place unbearable.

But to go out I need to have some other BETTRT place, and currenly I don't have it. And I don't know whether I'll be having it some SOON day that I will be in a better place or I got stucked with that place?

Another point is..........shall I really find a better place.....or its a mirage?????????????Are they all the same?

Unsettled
Unsatisfied
Confused
unable to do any positive step to help myself, though I have many ideas to help in my mind

Will be always missing ...

The day before yesterday, we were preparing for a very happy event that was going to happen, regardless of the event itself.
I felt that this event, would have cheered, and fell the heart of my dear very much, I kept imagining how she would have been very happy, full of joy, reaping the fruits of her hard working years and all the effort that she'd exerted to take care of this plant, but unfortunately it was not her fate to witness this event, but anyways, thank God, I wish that she's sharing every joyfull moment with us and doesn't feel with us any bad moment that we pass with.

Also, ISA, by the end of this week, a wish that we all have been wishing from a long time, and kept imagining that day and every minor deatil in it, will be fulfilled ISA, I think that there are other Dears that we are be missing veryyyyyyyyy much on that day, those who will forever be missed in evey happy event and also every nin-happy one.

Please Dears, know that ISA, that you will never be missing in any event, because you are in a place that we can't exist without, you're in our hearts, in every photo that we take, your places are reserved, in every gathering we gather in, you're the first ones in.

We can never be apart from you, you're always in our hearts dearies.........miss u, though u are never missed

Rolling Back.................. :)) Hopefully

"Rolling Back" this term is well known, I think especially for people who are working in the field of IT like me :D

But can we "Roll Back" that easy in our real lives, or as people say "Undo/ Ctrl+Z" our actions and the most hardest our feelings, I think that this is impossible or else live could have been much easier.

There is something else that I wish it was existing in the "Human's World", which is freezing, either to freeze on a happy moment the one is enjoying, freezing to keep with the company you like, freezing on the situation, the state of satisfaction and happiness the one's in at a certain moment.

Unrelated and unorganized thoughts that are coming into my mind, and there is much more, and I guess more important still in my mind, but still can't be translated into written lines :(((